The first step in winning the yetzer hara over to our side

Last week, we promised a negotiation class – specifically, a class that teaches us how to find simcha by making peace with our yetzer hara.

So, where do we start?

Let’s think back to Rabi Akiva’s rock – the rock that changed his life, and our entire nation’s history, forever. Rabi Akiva was struck by the fact that the rock had been sculpted not by some harsh, destructive force of nature, but by a gentle drip of water. Softly and patiently, it had smoothed away the rock’s rough edges, revealing the beauty of its essence.

When dealing with our yetzer hara, many of us assume we’re supposed to be harsh and intolerant. We don’t realize that this approach actually makes avodas Hashem much harder than it has to be. Why? Because, like anyone threatened with destruction, the yetzer hara will fight back at us with all his might – and we’ll have to work much harder to defeat him.

We might find avodah easier if we tried the “gentle drip” approach.

The Dubno Maggid tells a parable about a man who arrived home from the market late one Friday afternoon. Rushing into the house to get ready for Shabbos, he asked his servant to help bring in his purchases. The servant dutifully went out to his carriage – and came back sweaty and winded.

“I put your packages away in the storage shed,” he panted.

The master furrowed his brow. “Those couldn’t have been my packages. Mine were light and easy to carry. They wouldn’t have made you so exhausted!”

Judaism obviously takes work – a lot of work. But, explains the Dubno Maggid, it isn’t meant to be grueling. It’s meant to be pleasant, gentle. If we’re stressed and worn out by our avodas Hashem, chances are we aren’t serving Him as He intended.

We often think that serving Hashem properly means keeping the entire Torah perfectly at all times. Rav Yisrael Salanter thinks differently. He teaches us that avodas Hashem starts with one kabbalah ketana, one small resolution to change.

It’s easy to miss the depth in Rav Yisrael’s advice. To read it as another version of the truism about moving a mountain by picking up one pebble at a time. But Rav Yisrael is actually teaching us that avodas Hashem isn’t about moving mountains, or about taking small steps toward a lofty goal. Avodah, at its essence, simply means moving one small step beyond where we stand right now.

That’s the “gentle drip” approach. That’s how we can start a reasonable conversation with our yetzer hara.

Want to give it a try? Start by explaining to your yetzer hara that growth doesn’t have to be extreme. Tell him that all you’re asking him to do is to take one tiny step forward. Usually, that step is something so unthreatening that even he would agree that it makes sense.

Just imagine the difference between the outcomes of this conversation...

You: It’s the Three Weeks, so I need to make shalom. I guess I’ll start with that coworker I haven’t spoken to since he badmouthed me to our boss and almost got me fired.

Yetzer hara: No way, that’s outrageous! What are you, a doormat?!

… and this conversation:

You: It’s the Three Weeks. I’d like to work on making shalom. I haven’t been paying much attention to my neighbor lately… I think I’ll say hello next time I see him.

Yetzer hara: Oh, well… I guess that doesn’t sound too hard.

That’s Negotiation Tip #1: stop overwhelming your yetzer hara. Meet him where he’s at, and focus only on the ground right in front of him. You’ll be setting the stage for successful peace talks – and a happier, more pleasant journey of growth.