Want to work on ahavas Yisrael? Start at home

Child: Can we have ice cream for supper?

Parent: That's not a real supper, and it’s way too much sugar so close to bedtime.

Child: Can I use this paper towel roll to make bandages? We’re playing hospital.

Parent: Those are expensive, and it’s a waste.

Parent: Why are you wearing your rainboots? You can’t go out in those, it’s July!

Child: But I wanna pretend to be a builder-man.

We’ve been discussing how appreciating the reztonos, the wills, of others, makes up the cornerstone of ahavas Yisrael. We described how, even when others’ retzonos contradict our convictions and values, we can still find it within ourselves to live in two worlds – to hold tight to our sense of right and wrong, yet still respect the others’ perspectives.

That, we explained, helps us develop a powerful middah called gadlus. The ability to expand ourselves in the service of Hashem and His children.

Now, respecting and appreciating are beautiful things. But as Chazal teach, Kol shema’asav merubin meichachmaso chachamso miskayemes (Pirkei Avos 3:9) – if we want to hold onto the wisdom we acquire, we need to act on it.

Uh oh – act on it? Even if it goes against our values? How can we do that?

We’re often faced with situations where people with wants or plans totally opposed to our own ask for our help or validation. Often, these people are less mature, less knowledgeable, or less savvy than us, and in our minds, they’re being ridiculous.

Like small children. Many times a day, they ask us for things we know to be ridiculous. It's a simple fact that we’re wiser and more experienced than they are. According to the Torah, parents and children are light-years away from each other in the family hierarchy.

And yet the work of ahavas Yisrael and gadlus applies to our relationship with them too. Choosing wisely, we can take irritating child requests and turn them into opportunities to develop our gadlus. To appreciate their retzonos so deeply, we’re willing to act upon them. To embrace them as stepping stones in our journey toward expanded people of ahavas Yisrael.

The Yalkut Shimoni (Tehillim 92) tells of how Talmud-era scholar Rav Yossi bar Yehuda once went to the home of contemporary Rav Yehoshua ben Karcha with a halachic query.

As they walked up to the house, Rav Yossi and his escort saw something shocking. Rav Yehoshua, one of the greatest rabbis of the time, was on his hands and knees, a string in his mouth, crawling around as his little son gleefully pulled him along.

We can be perfectly sure Rav Yehoshua had zero interest in playing doggy or horsy or whatever silly game his child had asked for. He had his dignity to preserve – and never mind his time!

But he recognized how deeply his child needed this kind of parental attention. So he shed his prestige, and acted on his child’s ratzon.

A talmid of Rav Wolbe was debating with his son whether the child should be allowed to play soccer for more than 30 minutes per day. They brought their argument to Rav Wolbe. The rav was nearly 80, and had never played soccer. But he was able to connect so deeply to the child’s ratzon, so different than his own, that his response to the father was, “What’s a half hour of soccer worth?”

Ahavas Yisrael doesn't just mean appreciating and respecting others’ wills. It means that at times, when we determine others need it, we must put aside our own views and act according to theirs. Rav Yisrael Salanter taught that if a child imagines a stick in the bathtub to be his boat, and an adult takes it away, that adult is doing the equivalent of sinking a ship out at sea. And fulfilling a “silly” need of a child can sometimes mean we’re building something as dramatically positive as “sinking” that “ship” is negative.

Beyond children, we face the need to flex this part of our ahavas Yisrael muscle constantly. With our spouse. With our family. With our friends, neighbors, students, and more. Sometimes, these people desire things that contradict everything from our preferences to our values and logic.

But if we can enter their worlds and see a true need there, “giving in” to their “ridiculousness” isn’t something to avoid. It’s something to embrace in the name of ahavas Yisrael – and attempt with pride.