Ayin tovah starts at home (but not where you think)

Really?

Was that what you were thinking after last week’s email?

Can my rude coworker really learn to treat people nicer?

Can my obnoxious kid really start speaking respectfully?

Can my stubborn spouse really open up to changing?

For many, this whole “ayin-tovah-opening-up-new-possibilities-of-growth-for-others” thing seems hard to believe. But maybe that’s because… they don’t quite view themselves with an ayin tovah.

Our love for others is an extension of our love for ourselves. That’s how it works. And ayin tovah is the same way. The degree to which we’re able to view others positively is directly determined by our ability to view ourselves positively.

It’s not easy. So many of us look negatively at ourselves, or don’t give ourselves credit for our full potential. This is how we think: We’ve made so many mistakes. Failed so many times. Fallen short in so many areas. Why shouldn’t we give up on ourselves?

Before we know it, we’ve contracted “little old me” syndrome. Eh – who am I? Nobody. I can’t do well in xyz area. I’m so limited, so stuck in myself. Oy, nebach. I feel so bad for me.

When we think that way about ourselves – when we can’t see new possibilities for our own growth – we start thinking that way about others as well.

So – what can we do about it? How can we change?

Last week, Rabbeinu Yonah taught us that ayin tovah equates to the middah of nedivus, generosity. This week, he brings us an additional definition: ayin tovah means being sameach b’chelko, happy with one’s lot.

“Eizehu ashir?” asks the Mishna (Pirkei Avos 4:1). “Who is wealthy? He who is happy with his lot.” Wealth, our Sages teach, shouldn’t be measured by assets. It should be measured by mindset.

The proof? All the millionaires who have “everything” yet aren’t satisfied – and all the simple little people who don’t have much but feel like they have “everything.” The Gemara (Kesubos 68a) calls the former “ani b’da’as,” stuck in a poor man’s mindset, and the latter “ashir b’da’as,” possessed of a rich man’s mindset.

The poor man’s mindset in action: I can’t think of anywhere to go for vacation this winter. I did Hawaii last fall, the Caribbean this past summer, and the Mediterranean on last year’s cruise. Don’t like skiing, so the Alps are out. And don’t bother telling me about US locations, staying in the country is so plebeian. So that leaves… nothing. Gosh, what a boring world. What’s the point of it all anyway?

The rich man’s mindset in action: I’m so excited for our vacation this winter! We’re going up to my in-laws’ summer home in the mountains. Sure, we’ve gone a million times, but there’s always new stuff to do and discover. Remember last year, when we found that frozen pond and went “ice skating” on our own private rink? I can’t wait to find out what we’re going to discover this time!

People who are happy with their lot know how to look at their limited resources and see new possibilities. These people are constantly discovering new wealth, new sources of joy.

And this mindset choice doesn’t just apply to assets. It applies to our inner worlds as well. A “sameach b’chelko” knows that he has so much more potential than he can see.

Rav Naftali Amsterdam once told Rav Yisrael Salanter regretfully, “If I only had the head of the Shaagas Aryeh, the heart of the Yesod V’Shoresh Ha’avodah, and the character of Rebbi (Rav Yisrael), I could really be a good eved Hashem.”

What did Rav Yisrael tell him? “Naftali, Naftali. With your head, and your heart, and your character, you can be a true eved Hashem!”

What was his point? He wasn’t trying to console him, to tell him, “Well, you’re not as great as those people, but Hashem likes you anyway.” No. Rav Yisrael was telling his student: you have everything you need inside you. Endless potential for greatness. Unique traits Hashem granted you so you could become uniquely great. Believe in yourself!

“If I was only good at speaking, I could really teach and inspire lots of people.”

“If I’d only grown up in that house, I’d be like that person’s children.”

These thoughts focus us on what we’re not. We need to focus on what we are, and what we can be. Because we can be so much more than we give ourselves credit for.

The more we switch our focus, the more possibilities we’ll be able to see in ourselves.

Aaaand… in others.

So let’s do ourselves a favor. Let’s stop beating down on ourselves. Let’s think of ourselves optimistically and kindly. Our spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and fellow Jews will all benefit tremendously.