The paradigm shift that takes the resentment out of giving to someone on their terms

What if we really… just… do know better?

Our son doesn’t need that thin little brand-name jacket – it won’t even keep him warm. And our wife – why on earth should we spend $300 on a flower arrangement for her birthday when we could buy her something useful and lasting? And our mother, who keeps asking us to mail her pictures of the kids – doesn’t she know it’s much easier and faster for both of us if we just email?

Doing chesed takes effort enough. Doing it on the other person’s terms just makes it irritating, more difficult.

Where is that irritation coming from? What’s our ultimate goal in doing these chasadim?

Moshe Rabbeinu was one of the most caring, nurturing people that ever lived. From discerning the unspoken wish of a rebellious little sheep to essentially “raising” 600,000 “children,” Moshe spent his entire life focused on others’ needs.

Chazal tell us that when Moshe was born, his parents’ house filled with a supernatural light. And, just before he died, he fulfilled the mitzvah of setting up arei miklat (cities of refuge for accidental murderers), which Chazal compare to “shining sun[light] upon murderers” (Makkos 10a).

From the moment he was born to the one he died, Moshe was a sun that lit up others’ lives. This, Rav Volbe explains, is our essential job in all interpersonal mitzvos.

What does that mean?

Well, what does the real sun do? It shines on an earth filled with plant seeds. Each seed has its own features, its own destiny. This one hopes to become a tomato, the one a couple of feet away a blade of grass, and the one at the edge of the field a towering oak tree.

The sun doesn’t dictate. With no stipulations, it shines its light on all these different seeds.

Touched by that light, each little seed becomes empowered to grow into its own best self.

As per Rav Volbe, that’s the ultimate purpose of chesed.

We tend to think our goal in chesed is to get the best results possible for the people we help. That’s why forcing ourselves to go against our “best results” definition and put effort into something “silly” or “unproductive” causes us so much irritation.

Along comes Rav Volbe’s paradigm shift: the point of chesed is to be a sun for people. To shine the light of positivity, respect and care onto others. Infused with new life, they’ll blossom. They’ll grow a bit more into their best selves.

Think back to the last time someone you admired gave you a compliment. Or a friend showed they understood a need you hadn’t expressed. Or your spouse surprised you with a little gift or favor.

Did you feel it? That new thrill of energy coursing through your body? That expansive feeling, like you were on top of the world, like you were suddenly so much more than you had thought? Worth more? Loved more? Capable of more?

Somebody had shined their sun on you. And the seeds inside you started to blossom. And chances are that that interaction made a lasting impact on your life. That it emboldened you to make some brave decision, some courageous move that enriched you or propelled you forward.

When we do chesed the right way – putting the other person at the forefront – we become suns. We radiate nourishing light onto others. We grow them. We give them life.

Let’s be suns. Yes, our thin-jacketed child might catch a cold or two. But he’ll also gain the care and respect he needs to blossom into his own kind of sun.