How to make spiritual achrayus come naturally

Who’s the best person to marry?

What’s the best career to pursue?

What’s the best thing you can do with your time right now?

Nobody can answer those questions for you except – you.

Many of us assume there’s some objective “best” answer for the choices we need to make in life. We think that if we’d only ask the right people or access the right wisdom, we would come to the perfect answer. We think that bechirah (free will) means our ability to choose between two options: right and wrong.

But the truth is that bechirah gives us much more freedom than that.

Last week, we were discussing the definition of achrayus, responsibility, in our spirituality. Here’s a very simple explanation of responsibility in the Torah's view: “The unwillingness to let things slide.”

What does that mean? It means that if something goes wrong, or we’re doing a poor job, we feel compelled to make things better. We’re not okay leaving things in a less-than-ideal state.

That sounds very overwhelming, of course. How are we supposed to maintain that level of vigilance and active involvement in every single area of our avodas Hashem?

Truthfully, though, we take this level of ownership in so many areas of life. Our health. Our careers. Our families. Even hobbies that are important to us.

If we’re proud of our cooking, and we invite friends to a dinner party only to find we’ve burnt some of our food, we don’t just throw up our hands and say, “Better luck next time.” We rush around the kitchen, frantically trying to pull together some new dishes. Because our cooking is a matter of personal pride. We just aren’t okay with bedi’eved.

If our child's learning is important to us and they suddenly start struggling in school, we don’t just shrug and cluck our tongues. We bombard the teacher with phone calls, throwing our energy into strengthening our child’s skills.

In our avodas Hashem, though, that “better luck next time” attitude surfaces often. Our davening isn’t doing so well? Oy, whatever, I’ll improve one day. We snap too much at our kids? Yeah, it’s a problem. What can I do? I’ve always been a little rough with people. Hashem should only help.

So what’s the difference? Why does achrayus come naturally in some areas, and seem elusive in others?

The answer concerns one of the most powerful forces that act on man: oneg.

Translated simply, oneg means “pleasure” or “delight.” Rav Wolbe, however, points out that oneg is related to the word “negi’a,” which literally means “touch.” Different people find that different things “touch” them, resonate with them. They identify with those things.

When we identify with something, it becomes personal. It’s “me.” So of course we care about it. Of course we want it to succeed, to do well. It’s about “me.”

Most of us just don’t feel like Torah and mitzvos are “me” things. They’re obligations Someone else imposed on us.

How can we turn them into oneg – into things that feel personally important?

By realizing the extent of our bechirah.

Bechirah isn’t only about choosing an objective “right” answer. It’s about making choices that express ourselves, that align with our own deeper will, our natural inclinations.

When we’re constantly ticking off obligations, achrayus is overwhelming and burdensome. When we’re creating a life – a davening style, a plan for keeping the peace at home, a method for elevating Shabbos – based on our unique kochos hanefesh (inner strengths), achrayus is simply natural.

The mishna (Avos 2:8) tells us, “Marbeh eitzah, marbeh tevunah” – the more advice, the more understanding. On these words, Rav Chaim Volozhiner writes: when one has to make a decision, one should ask advice from as many experts as he can – and then make the decision on his own.

Hashem wants us. He wants us to make the best decisions and choices for us. He wants us to create ourselves and our lives based on the unique blend of potential He placed inside each of us.

You chose your spouse. Perhaps you got copious guidance from others – but ultimately, the choice was yours. When said spouse pushes your buttons, you don’t blame your mentors. You know your marriage is yours to keep whole. It’s your achrayus.

If we could see all our choices like that – not decisions based on right and wrong, but choices based on what our inner inclinations tell us – we could gain that natural feeling of achrayus for every area of avodas Hashem.

How? Join us next week to discover more.