The first step in authentic ahavas Yisrael

Nothing like a little clarity to make our work more doable!

Last week, we discovered – as per Rashi in Shabbos (31a) – that the mitzvah of ahavas Yisrael isn’t as broad and emotional as it might have seemed. We’ve nailed down a clear definition of our obligation: respecting the wills of other Jews the same way we would want them to respect ours.

Great! We’re ready to make serious progress.

Until we remember that our wills and others’ wills often clash. Stubbornly and definitively.

So let’s take a step back. We don’t need to jump to prioritizing the wills of other Jews over our own. We can start small. By simply stopping and giving weight to their will. By remembering in the first place that their will exists.

When others want something we disagree with, we don’t usually look at our argument as a clashing of wills. We see they hold a different opinion than ours. And opinions are easy to oppose as just plain wrong.

But what if we took a moment to remind ourselves – these misguided people in our lives might not just be thinking incorrectly. They might actually want something here. And that want might actually carry more legitimacy than we originally thought.

That family who hosted yours for Shabbos last week – they’re not just slobs or poor homemakers. Maybe they like a more relaxed environment where they don’t need to worry about constant cleaning. Maybe they prefer to leave the toys out overnight because they’ve decided that fighting with their children to put them away just isn’t worth it.

Your spouse’s driving – whether it’s frighteningly fast or irritatingly slow. Maybe they’re not actually “irresponsible” or “over-cautious.” Maybe there’s a will, a ratzon, fueling their driving style. Maybe they hate wasting time, or they’re passionate about safety.

Your kids’ unreasonable complaints about how you never take them out to eat like everyone else’s parents – maybe they’re not just being immature about money. Whether or not you decide to acquiesce, can you appreciate that they have a ratzon here? That the restaurant experience matters to them?

It’s much easier to judge someone as wrong or silly or misled or lazy than to stop and identify the ratzon behind their opinion. But ahavas Yisrael means creating receptors for a new wavelength – ratzon waves.

When we see the world so very differently from the people whose wills are at odds with ours, reading these waves presents a challenge. But we’re well-fitted to tackle it.

Torah learning asks the same thing of us. We’re not supposed to approach Torah with the aim of reinforcing the views we already have. We’re supposed to go in open to enlightenment. Listening for new pieces of the Torah’s viewpoint we haven’t come across before.

The people around us present endless opportunities to practice using that same approach. Endless chances to listen carefully – and be surprised. To uncover understandable wants and convictions driving other’ views – even if those views seem totally crazy to us.

How lucky we are to have been blessed with Torah! Without Torah, we humans would stick stubbornly to our own perspectives, unwilling to explore ideas that don’t match perfectly with the ones already dominating our brains. In His great kindness, Hashem gifted us with an incredibly powerful Tool for expanding our minds and appreciating perspectives beyond our preconceptions.

Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky developed his “ratzon wave” receptors to perfection. Once, a fellow employed at a Torah institution approached Rav Yaakov with a dilemma. He needed a new car, and had his eye on a visibly high-end model. But he realized it might not be appropriate for a man in his position to drive such a fancy car.

Rav Yaakov’s response surprised him. First, he asked several detailed questions about the car. Then he told the fellow he felt it would be fine for him to drive that model. And finally, he added “One more thing. Once you buy it, take me for a ride in it.”

Did Rav Yaakov really care about the chance to drive around in a fancy car? Of course not.

But he appreciated that the other fellow did care. And that it would mean a tremendous amount to him to take Rav Yaakov for a ride.

Rav Yaakov gave weight to the wills of other Jews – no matter how alien or petty they seemed. This week, let’s imitate Rav Yaakov.

Let’s work on our own ratzon-wave receptors. Let’s take the simple step of identifying the wills of those around us. Let’s see if, for the next seven days, we can pause and identify three retzonos per day in the back-and-forths that make up our relationships.

For some extra accountability, feel free to share your insights by replying to this email. Because every single time you attempt this work, you’re doing something important. You’re developing your mind just a bit more into a powerful vessel of ahavas Yisrael.

The more we pay attention to the other retzonos going on around us the more we will see how the retzonos of others are wrong – this can be quite frustrating or it can an opportunity for us to stretch our mi’od muscles and appreciate how great we truly are